His Own Mary Sue
by jewelledhunter
Summary: Mary Sues have been invading MiddleEarth in torrents, attacking various goodlooking characters such as Legolas. The Mouth of Sauron has always sympathized with them, but he certainly did not expect a Sue on his doorstep. Sequel to Leggy! Gorny! Bori!


AN: I don't dare to even claim to own Lord of the Rings. And my sincere apologies to any character who was made fun of. I have no idea when this is taking place, but I can say it's during the War of the Ring. Back after the warm reception to Leggy! Gorny! Bori!

* * *

**The Mordor Times**

**Dark News for Dark Times**

Tiny Dark Room, Baradur- Legolas Greenleaf has been attacked for the thirty-sixth time, as Elrohir Elrondion so kindly tells our Orc reporter ("But afterwards, I get to kill you, all right?"), by Mary-Sues. Aragorn Elessar Wingfoot Strider Scruffy and Gimli the Dwarf-who-is-just-there managed to save Legolas from the insane Arwenian Katara Hermeur Fleur Ronale Valar, who was wearing a blue dress that had little diamonds embedded in it and had the dreaded changing-eye color gift. She fell right into Legolas' arms as he held out both hands to see if it was raining.

"It's simply too much!" Legolas told our reporter. "I'm going blind from their flashing eyes at this rate and they just won't stop coming!" Arwenian Katara Hermeur Fleur Ronale Valar also had mastered every weapon without a teacher, was an orphan, had been abused from the minute she was born, by her uncle (who managed to somehow sneak into the birthing room), could outtalk Mithrandir, and was not tempted at all by the One Ring. She wore her own Elven ring, forgetting that there are only three and their locations, at least by Mordorians, is unknown.

"Legolas is HaWt!" she cried before her head was chopped off by Aragorn Elessar Wingfoot Strider Scruffy and Gimli-the-Dwarf-who-is-just-there chopped up her body. Wargs sniffed the body and promptly refused to eat it, growling their disapproval of its sweetness that has gone way too far.

The first Sue that attacked Legolas was known as Sky and has not been forgotten easily by Middle-Earth. Among others attacked by these monsters of the future include Aragorn, Boromir, Faramir, and Frodo. The ones most often made fun of by these Mary-Sues include Boromir, Frodo, and Sam.

"It's frankly distressing," Samwise Gamgee said in front of his hobbit-hole in the Shire. "It's amazing Mister Frodo gets any peace in the Undying Lands. And our poor friends are constantly being bothered by these Mary-Sues. Faramir and Aragorn are already married and Lady Eowyn and Queen Arwen are not very happy. Plus, Boromir was a valiant man and his ghost constantly visits the remaining members of the Fellowship, complaining. We hope that soon they will stop coming, but we don't see any stop to this flood!"

* * *

The Mouth of Sauron, or Mouth for short, sat back in his chair, relaxing with a cup of strongly brewed socks, sockee, that still had too much caffeine and the latest issue of _The Mordor Times_. He sipped the rancid brew appreciatively, occasionally barking at an Orc to shine his armor.

"I'm thoroughly evil! I enjoy being evil. If I was on the good side, I would still be a Numenorean. And I would be bothered by those," here, his nonexistent eyebrows twitched, "Mary-Sues," he said the words with the deepest loathing, which is quite a bit for a servant of Sauron.

"So," he continued to his mug of sockee (Orcs cast anxious glances at each other; when Mouth started to talk to his cup, an Orc was going to die) , "you have to feel sorry for Legolas Greenleaf. The poor guy is always being drooled over by hormonal teenagers," Mouth snorted and Orcs backed away from his terrible breath. "If I had a fangirl, I would have died a long time ago. And that doesn't include the fact that I'm supposed to live long."

"M'Lord!!" an Orc ran up the stairs, panting with exhaustion. He leaned over, still panting with exhaustion. Two thousand flights of stairs is hard even for the descendent of twisted Elves and Mouth chose this room solely so he could pour cement over Orcs who panted for too long. He already had nineteen statues. Just one more and he would have twenty, the number of Rings that were created. Sauron would be pleased with his Yule present.

"What is it!?" Mouth barked, reaching for the bucket of cement next to him. The Orc's eyes flickered to the bucket and he squealed in dismay. "Spit it out!"

"There is someone outside Baradur squealing her head off."

"Her?" Mouth's frown deepened. "Her? Bring her up, I'll make her the last statue," the Orc squeaked again, an almost Smeagol/Gollum-like sound. Mouth frowned.

"I have to go down and up the stairs again?" the Orc said in dismay.

"What are you waiting for?" at those words, the Orc fainted. "Oh, Morgoth, that's the second one that's died of a heart attack in a week!" Mouth seethed. "At this rate, Sauron will never get me a pay raise! One of you go get the squealer and the rest of you pick Gurz up and throw him out Baradur." An Orc immediately went down the stairs and two others picked up the Orc who had fainted and threw him out the window. There was a scream as he went down.

"Oops. Second supposedly-dead one that I threw out the window!" Mouth yelled, standing up actually, an event so rare that the entire room fell silent. Looking around the room, he gave a slight cough, haughty and aristocratic, acting like the Numenorean he once was and sat back down again.

"The first one wasn't dead?" an Orc said.

"NO! And I'm never going to get a pay raise—"

"M'Lord! They're nearly here!" an Orc cried. Suddenly, the Orc burst into the room, followed by a bubbly girl with navy blue hair and flashing red highlights. She was wearing an insane combination of a skirt and Ranger's tunic. A ring shone on her hand. She looked around the room and her greedy, color-changing eyes fell upon Mouth.

"The Mouth of Sauron!!!!!!" the girl squealed. Mouth recoiled, his hand frozen over the bucket of cement.

"Who-Who-Who are you?" Mouth stuttered, drinking some sockee.

"My name is Beth and I love you!!" she blubbered through perfect tears.

"You what?" he spat the sockee.

"EWWW! It smells like stewed socks!" she screamed. "Anyways, I love you forever and ever. You have such an angsty past! You're so hot in all that black and all and you have such nice teeth?"

"I have nice teeth?" the Orcs winced as Mouth bared his long yellow teeth. "Hm…I may want to keep you as a flatterer."

"Oh! I'll love you forever and ever. Can we get married?" the girl squealed.

"Is this…this…fangirl that _The Mordor Times _always speak about? Mary-Sues?" the Orcs shrugged.

"I think," one Orc said hesitantly.

"Forget it!" Mouth pounded his hand on his armrest. "This is insane! We need to get rid of you!" the girl's lower lips started trembling and her eyes glowed light blue with sorrow.

"Please! I love you forever and ever—"

"Is that all you say?" Mouth butted in.

"I—"

"Statue or thrown out?"

"Sauron says Mary-Sues are to be dealt with harshly. He doesn't want a statue of them. He doesn't want them in Mordor. I suggest you throw her out the window," an Orc said crisply.

"That will do. I think you will prefer the Orc down there to me," Mouth said suavely. "Throw her out."

"NO!!!" she screamed. "I love you forever and ever!" as the Orcs carried her to the window, she yelled again, "I like your teeth."

"By Morgoth," Mouth muttered as she fell out the window. "Poor Legolas. Anyways, get me another cup of sockee! And please, please cut down on the caffeine!"

"Yes, M'Lord!" Mouth put a hand on his temple and sighed. Outside, a Sue screamed, "I love you forever and ever, Mouth of Sauron!"

Little did Mouth know that an army of Sues was marching upon the Black Gate, killing Orcs with their squeals of "The Mouth of Sauron!". Middle-Earth shall not survive their onslaught.


End file.
